16th Mar2005

My apologies

by Dutchcloggie

I wish to apologise for all the spelling mistakes and typos in the past 3 posts. As you may understand, I have had very little time and I have not reviewed the logs before posting them. I shall edit them and remove the errors. I am sorry. I know you have come to expect better from me.
For those who are interested: JD. is fine. Bit shocked. Had lots of thinking over the weekend. All we can do is wait. If it is indeed a tumor, it is still too small to even take a biopsy so in the end, the knock on her head at the rugby match may well be a good thing: it brought the problem to light way before it might otherwise have been noticed.

Strange how a lot of jokes and remarks now no longer seem appropriate. Things referring to death, head and brain. Frontal Lobotomy….

I guess we will find a way to joke about these things. Somehow it feels easier to joke about The Thing once we know what it is.

12th Mar2005

Tumour

by Dutchcloggie

scary word isn’t it….

you are looking at the doctor, waiting for him to use the word for the first time. You know that when he does, all you will hear from there on out is Possible Death. So let’s try and be reasonable about this. Any growth in the brain is a tumor so no need to assume imminent death right away. We are adults, we know how it works, no need to be afraid..

‘It might still be a bruise from the knock on your head but it is more likely to be the beginning of a low-grade tumour. It is still very very small so no……’

Tumour………..tumour………..it pounds in my head whilst I try to look relaxed and unconcerned. After all, it is not my brain this is happening to but JD’s (who by the way has now become a guest blogger here)

After the consult is over, a friendly nurse repeats what the doctor has said and puts it in perspective: if it is a tumor, it is in its infant stage. So small in fact that they can not even take a biopsy. So they have to wait for it to grow bigger before they can remove it. If it is a tumour. In 6 weeks time, there will be another MRI scan. If the dark patch on the scan has shrunk, it was simply a very hard knock on the head and a brain bruise. If it has not shrunk or even grown, it is a tumour. But for now, let’s not worry about it because it is obviously not a very fast growing one…..

And so we drive home. Advised not to go on holiday abroad until the proper diagnosis has been made and with the task of returning straight to hospital if JD feels dizzy, sick, headache or any pressure in her head.

I feel a strange sense of disappointment, although that is the wrong word I guess. This morning, we were told to prepare for a stay in hospital and possible biopsy surgery. You prepare for that, mentally and practically. And then you psyche yourself up all day. Only to hear that you should go home, relax and come back in 6 weeks.

This can not be happening to JD. This doesn’t happen to young healthy people does it?
Of course it does. And I know it does. But still, you just don’t think she might just be in the small group that gets this.

But let’s wait and see. It might just be a bruised brain. For now, we are taking a few days off to the South Coast of England. Walk along the sea front, breathe in the air. Talk, sleep, hold hands. And laugh. Because she makes me laugh.

12th Mar2005

Off to the hospital again…

by Dutchcloggie

So JD and I went to the hospital last night to see what the consultant had to say. And it wasn’t the good news we were hoping for. On the MRI scan they did a month after her seizure, there was still a black area of ‘abnormal’ brain size. They do not know what it is. It might be scar tissue from the bump on her head, it might be something else. If it was just swelling from the bruising, it should have gone away by now. But it hasn’t.

So she was giving three options: Monitor the area by having a brain scan every 2 months and see if it is a slow growing tumour. Alternatively they can do a biopsy, take some tissue from the brain and see what it is. Or she could go for the Full Monty and have brain surgery to remove it right away.

Great news on a Friday night. Our short holiday to Holland is not happening this weekend because we chose to go for the biopsy. We went home and had a bit of a sniffling session.

Today we are supposed to be at the hospital at 12.30 to see the consultant again. They will try to find her a bed and if they can, they will do the biopsy this weekend. If they can not find her a bed, they will do the biopsy when the doctor comes back from holiday in 2 weeks time. On the positive side, we are aware of the fact that it can not all be too urgent. After all, one of the suggestions was to wait and have a scan every so many months to monitor the thing. Apparently the doctor just wants to get it out of the way before his holiday. Fine by us.

Bugger. Brain + swelling + surgery = death. Well, at least in your mind it is the first thing that you think about.

I know I should write a deep and meaningful, poetic kind of insightful blog about this. But quite frankly, it simply sucks. Poking with a needle in the brain of your girlfriend to see if her brain is seriously wrong or not…..

I am however, hopeful. I am more afraid of the actual biopsy than of the result.

Please send positive thoughts to JD if you can spare a minute.

11th Mar2005

Now I’m worried

by Dutchcloggie

JD went for an MRI scan about 3 weeks ago. Just to check that she does not have a brain tumour that caused her seizure. She was told that, unless it was urgent, she would get an appointment with a consultant to discuss the results sometime in April. If urgent, she would hear it within 7 – 10 days.

So 7 – 10 days passed and we heard nothing. This was a great relief as JD had spotted on the doctor’s note that the MRI scan was to pay particular attention to the possibility of a brain tumour. This had upset JD a lot so when we did not get a call we were pretty relieved.

Until 30 minutes ago. JD got a call from a consultant. He wants to see her on Saturday. JD explained we are going away for 4 days. The consultant said he (or it, essential difference but I do not know which one he meant!) could not wait until our return on Wednesday. So we are now going to the hospital tonight for a consultant with him.

So now I am worried. Why the sudden rush?

I don’t want JD to have to see a consultant yet. It.Is.Not.Fucking.April.Yet!!!