There are moments when I just don’t know what to think. JD had her PET scan 2 weeks ago to learn more about her tumour. We have not heard anything about a report or result of the scan. However, yesterday we got a letter saying an appointment has been made with the Clinical Oncologist in 2 weeks’ time.
What does that mean in relation to the PET scan? That they have decided treatment is the way forward? A Clinical Oncologist treats cancer with chemotherapy and radiation so I assume JD is not just going for a nice chat but to actually discuss some form of treatment. It would be nice to have had a call or letter from the doctor, explaining the result of the PET scan and what the next steps are going to be. Now we are just assuming we know what will happen.
I am angry as I want to know what to feel. JD seems to be afraid of the whole brain, cancer, tumour, dying thing. I am not (yet?) too scared about the tumour itself as I trust the doctor when he said it is still quite small but that he simply likes to get rid of it before it can maybe cause trouble in the future. Me, I am just scared about the treatment JD will get. Radiation? Chemotherapy? It just brings up pictures of really sick people. I don’t want JD to feel like a piece of crap. I don’t want to have to see my wife in pain and discomfort. I feel bad enough when she has a headache.
It is important that we keep talking to each other. JD has a tendency to try and make things go away by ignoring them for a while. I on the other hand feel a need to know as much as possible about what is going on so that I can ‘decide’ on how I feel. That sounds calculated but I mean that for me it is important to be able to put things in some kind of perspective. Is this tumour one of those that kills people in a few years? Is it one that is just a nuisance but which can be ‘controlled’ with treatment or surgery, even if it can not be removed completely? How scared should I be, how life shattering is this tumour? I feel like I am dangling in space with nothing to hold on to for security. There is no frame of reference to use as a yardstick.
Maybe it has to do with a need to be in control. I am sure a psychologist will have a theory about it.