11th Jan2009

Faintly concerned

by Dutchcloggie

JD did not get any radiotherapy on Friday because the machine was broken. they told us they would simply add the missed treatment at the end of the whole procedure. That way she would get the 30 required treatments. Intersting how that seems to work like that.

So far there are no real side effects yet apart from the first real headache this morning. Then again, that might just be a ‘normal’ headache. How can you tell?

The ‘fainting’ spells have increased quite a bit in the past few weeks. So much so that the nurse thought it would be a good idea for JD to have a bloodtest to see if there was any indication of a lack of Glucose in the blood that could cause it. I personally don’t think that is related much but we’ll see. They are not really fainting spells anyway. More like a 30 second episode of feeling faint, trembling on her left side and an inability to speak. It happens ONLY when she gets up but not every time she gets up. There is no pattern that we can discover to help put a finger on why it is happening.

A few minutes ago, she had another spell. Got up off the sofa and within 10 seconds of getting up, she started to tremble on the left side and her eyes went all funny. I got up and wrapped my arms around her to support her. She started shaking more and I asked her if she was OK or if she wanted to sit down. Unable to speak, she merely groaned whilst going limp in my arms (but still able to remain standing with my help). Then it was over and I sat her down for a minute. After that, things just got back to normal in 2 minutes. Weird. And scary. For JD more so than me because what the hell is going on in the brain when that happens? I would be scared to death!

Anyway, it does prove once more that it IS better that JD does not go to the Hospital on public transport as the plan was originally. I mean, what if this happens on the train on the street and someone calls an ambulance or she falls over and misses a treatment because she misses a bus or train?

And so I drive her every day. I kind of like it that way. So far, we have been shopping and visited friends on our way home after the treatment. And we have nice chats in the car.

I think I am doing OK with all this. Easy for me to deal with it as it is not my brain being affected. I think that once JD will start feeling really ill from the treatment, I will become more angry and emotional. At the moment, she’s not really ill from it and so the treatment is just part of a routine, not so much part of an illness. But having to see her lose her hair or be sick with headaches and nausea will be hard for me to take.

It is hard to describe but this whole thing is feeling strangely ‘exciting’ to me. Not in a ‘cool!’ kind of way though. As I have the attention span of an gnat, this whole thing is never boring and always requires me to be alert and pay attention to everything going on around me. It keeps me on my toes. Is that weird? I mean, when I was young and insecure in school, I used to wish for some kind of illness or injury (nothing too serious of course, something that required a plaster and some crutches for a few weeks. Don’t laugh, I KNOW I am not the only one with such thoughts when I was young.) that would mean my peers would have to be interested and nice to me. JD says she had the same. I guess this is punishment for ever thinking like that. And yet, in a strange sad way, it is kind of ‘exciting’ to see so many people interested in myself and JD. I know I don’t need to be reminded that I am a nice person that people care about and yet, it makes me feel good that friends and family want to know how things are going. It also makes me smile that it is sometimes a useful thing to use when we want to get something done a bit sooner or with a little more sympathy (see my story about getting my boiler fixed last month….)

Is that sad and selfish? I don’t mean it to sound like that and obviously I do not mean that it is cool. I guess you can compare this ‘excitement’ with adrenaline: that flows both when you are having fun and when you are scared. I guess you can be ‘excited’ in anticipation of both good and bad things.

I guess I am not explaining it very well and I now sound like a freak.

Update: Some clarification is required I feel, or else people might think I am trying to say that I like the attention I am getting because of JD. That is not what I mean.

I have ADHD so I have a very limited attention span for anything and things bore me greatly really soon. And with this illness, there is something happening all the time, something new going on, something new to organise, some new symptom to deal with, some new doctor’s visit to digest, some new emotion to learn to deal with. I guess that is what I mean: it keeps my brain busy and focused on the things that need to be done. And especially for people with ADHD, that is something you don’t get to feel very often. So perhaps that is what I mean. I don’t know really.

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