I have had another good thought about my last post about jobs and tasks that JD ‘has to do’. I think I have been totally unclear about things. So, here’s my attempt to clarify things.
I do not set JD tasks around the house whilst I am at work. Her To Do List contains entirely of things that have nothing to do with me. They are things relating to her PhD project (small jobs to help her get started again after her time off for treatment), to her life (order medication, pay her credit card bills), to HER responsibilities she has voluntarily chosen to take on such as the fencing committee etc. They are not tasks I set her.
All these jobs are written down on Post-It notes that are stuck to the table. And every day, she just picks some of these that she will try to achieve on that day, no matter how big or small. If we do not write every little task down, she’ll forget.
I love JD a lot and when I see the amount of things she has to do (some of her own choice, others simply things people have to do in life, such as financial admin etc), I am afraid she will drown in it and so I am trying to help her achieve as many of these tasks as possible by encouraging her and writing them down and going through the ones she wants to do for the day.
When I get upset about JD having so many tasks on the go, it is because I am afraid that JD feels like she is drowning in having taken on too many things. And that in turn upsets and frustrates me. I want to help JD stay on top of the things she has taken on so that she doesn’t feel too overwhelmed. I am not annoyed or frustrated if she does not do stuff as such. I am upset because I am afraid she’ll feel like she failed. And since I am not good at keeping emotions under control when it comes to my worries about JD, in a strange way, it then comes out in frustration directed at JD. As if she is not doing enough to make her own life easier. I can not make her own life easier for her as they are things SHE needs to do. And this kind of frustrates me because I would LOVE to take it all away from her and do all the jobs for her so she can clear her mind of responsibilities and feel relaxed and not pressured by all the things she needs to do.
I am not fussed about ‘equal shares in household work’.
Yesterday for example, I cleaned the entire flat and cooked Sunday roast and JD spent the entire day doing the ironing. I was very happy at the end of the day as I felt we had achieved a lot together. House clean, ironing done, food cooked. All ready to start a new week. It doesn’t matter to me that I may have done a lot more work because I know the ironing was a big effort for JD.
It is not about what is achieved, it is about the willingness to put effort in. So if all the effort yields only a small result, I am not upset and the failure to finish the task, I am happy as long as the effort has been made. Does that make sense?
I hope this sheds some light on what I actually mean. That I am not unreasonably asking JD to do lots of things and that I am not annoyed with her for not ‘making my life easier. I am really quite a nice person