17th Apr2009

Better days?

by Dutchcloggie

The past few days have been quite good actually. We went away over Easter and did nothing. No pressure, nothing to do, nothing to forget. That has been really nice for a change. It helped us to get a bit closer to being a couple again, rather than patient and carer.

I think I have now accepted, as much as possible, that the best way for me to deal with this all is to expect absolutely nothing from JD. I don’t expect her to get out of bed, I don’t expect her to make herself lunch. Nothing. This way, anything she does do is positive. And so I praise her for it. But it is hard not to be condescending when praising.

Another trick is really to use repetition. I will not just say: Can you empty the dishwasher today. Instead, I’ll say: Are you emptying the dishwasher today and then she’ll say yes. A few minutes later, I just say: Do you remember what you are doing today? And if she doesn’t remember, I’ll tell her: you were going to empty the dishwasher. And I repeat this trick until she has remembered it at least 3 times.

This seems to have worked so far with small things such as having lunch and, well, emptying the dishwasher.

I realise that the whole household and relationship is basically carried by me and that is hard to deal with sometimes. I do not just have to remember my own life & appointments but also hers. This is hard because I don’t always know she had an appointment in the first place.

Another trick is that every Sunday, I sit down with her and go through her emails. Then I list the emails that require action or a response and then I simply type the response for her (whilst she tells me what the response should be of course). That way, hopefully, she won’t miss anything important or fail to do something someone has asked her to do (She is a member of a few clubs but also social emails from people asking how she is really require a polite response).

It is strange to treat your partner like they can not remember or do anything themselves and it is important to remain vigilant to laziness creeping in (She just rang to ask where her wallet was but she had not actually bothered to look anywhere: she could not see it from the bed and decided she would ask me instead of getting up to look for it. That’s just laziness 🙂

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