Jane is coming home today with a raft of carers and nurses in tow. Apparently they have just introduced a new service in Northampton for community care that is organised in a more flexible way. Sounds good to me.
I know it was unrealistic but for some reason I had a picture in my head of Jane just being in our bedroom in the hospital bed, free of pain. Peaceful. But of course because she has trouble swallowing, she needs syringe drivers for some of her medication and this has dramatically changed the picture for me, making my house feel like a hospital. I am slightly overwhelmed by the enormity of the reality of our lives for the next few weeks.
Jane seems to be sleeping most of the time and if you ask me, it will be weeks, rather than a few months before we have to say goodbye to her. My God, I don’t know how I am going to cope with it. I miss having my family around for support.(Sorry mum & dad, I know you read this blog and I know it upsets you that your daughter is so far away and that you can not give me a hug when I need one but I am not going to hide the fact that it upsets me too).
Luckily my sister is coming over some time in the next two weeks and I suspect my parents will be here again soon as well.
I would like to hear from other people with experience of loved ones dying at home. At the moment, my ideal option would be for Jane to be home until a few days before death and then go to the hospice. I feel I can not deal with having her body in the house, undertakers running around etc. I am afraid I might not be able to sleep in the bedroom again after that. My nan’s sister said that she still has nightmares of when her husband died at home and all the things that happened after that. I know I might change my mind on this of course but I would like to know how other people feel about this.