20th Jun2011

Holiday diary

by Dutchcloggie

Liefie,

Today I drove to Holland. It was a long and very difficult drive. I got a ticket for the Eurotunnel as I could not face going on the ferry. We used to go on the ferry. When we drove to Holland last year. When we went camping in Brittany in 2009. Or The Ardennes in 2007.

The drive down the M20 was hard. I remember how ill you were with chemo last year when we drove. How we had to stop on the hard shoulder because you were throwing up. How you had to wear your pjs on the ferry so I could wash your clothes in the sink during the crossing.

But I also remember how fabulous our holidays were. How you laughed and sang with me in the car, trying to remember the harmonies. I sang alone today, forcing myself through the tears. There was no harmony.

I followed the satnav and arrived without trouble. I preferred your crappy map reading and getting lost.

I have put up the tent next to my parents’ caravan. The caravan we camped in last year. The tent we bought in Cornwall.

How I would give anything to have you with me now. Why do some people live for 10-12 years with a tumour when you only got 6. I miss you more each day. I don’t like life without you much. What’s the point? I am sure I will find joy in the days again. Some day. Some long time from now.

I love you.

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