10th Jul2011

Testing myself

by Dutchcloggie

Jane & I used to get cheese & crackers and watch the F1 races on Sunday. As we all know here, enjoyment of food isone of the first things to go.

I thought I would try and eat cheese & crackers again today as Jane’s death surely has not changed my taste buds? I knew this was going to be a bad idea when in the cheese shop Jane & I used to visit, I barely held it together and ran away crying as soon as I had paid.

And yet I sat down today, cheeseboard & crackers ready, F1 on tv. And as soon as I picked up the knife I just wailed. How lonely I felt sitting there. How pathetic I felt for even trying. I can not possibly enjoy this anymore without Jane. I knew this and yet I tried.

The other day, a friend of mine said that it seemed as if I was testing myself. Going to the supermarket when I could order online. Cheese & crackers when I knowit will be hard. Going out to the pub when I know I will miss Jane. Spending time with friends, even if they are couples. Next week I have booked a maths exam for a Level 2 nummeracy course and after that an English exam. She said I did not need to do that testing because it has only been 6 weeks.

But I feel: i will have to do it some day so I might as well do it right away. Like they do when you have a car accident and they say you should get behind the wheel as soon as possible.

Maybe I am hoping for the short shock therapy: make it as hard as possible as soon as I can and get through the grieving asap.

How do you guys feel about that?

One thing is sure: only 3 weeks ago I thought I was doing ok. But you were all right and I was wrong. I WAS numb. And now I’m not numb anymore. And it is just getting harder.

I need my friends more than ever. I need that phone to ring because I can not do this on my own.

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