19th Jul2011

As time goes by

by Dutchcloggie

One of the hardest things I am struggling with is how things of my ‘former life’ slowly vanish. It is such a cold reminder that life goes on without Jane.

It starts with food in the fridge that I bought when she was alive. As long as there is some of that left, it means my life was happy not too long ago. But after a couple of weeks, there is nothing left. Happy these days is simply defined by Jane being alive or dead. Because compared to how I feel now, even in Jane’s final days, I was happy.

Other food shopping that I did when she was still alive, when she was in the house. Last night I drank the last bottle of beer from a box I bought when I was in the hospice with my best friends, waiting for Jane to die over a 24 hour period. Another reminder, gone.

The first time I washed our sheets after she died.

This morning I had to say goodbye to a pair of shoes we bought for me on holiday last year. Another bit of our history gone.

All those things, everything has a significance. Everything reminds me of when Jane was still here.

The hairgel I bought 3 months ago is now finished.

Slowly my house fills up with things Jane has nothing to do with, that she never knew about. And it hurts.

I find myself spending hours reading my own blogs about her. Just so I can remember. It kills me that the website about Jane has had no new entries since June 17, when I scattered her ashes. Because there is nothing new to add about Jane.

I log in to her Facebook account but of course nobody leaves her messages anymore. Just me.

It annoys me that it is not just people who move on but the whole bloody world. Even inanimate objects.

And I know this is the way things work. And I know that keeping something just because Jane was alive when we bought it makes no difference. And in fact, I am not attached to the actual things themselves (I don’t hug a mouldy piece of cheese). But the constant reminder that time goes on.

Already it feels like so long ago that she was with me. And it is not even 2 months.

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