29th Jul2011

Two months since you died

by Dutchcloggie

I hate typing that sentence in a letter to you. I don’t have a problem writing it in my own blogs, but saying it to you is somehow much more painful. As if you are one of those undead people who don’t know they are dead. I’d hate to upset you by being the one to tell you the bad news 😉

The day you died is really 24 hours of dying. You gave me a warning at 9.30 in the morning, went away from us at 10.30pm and finally, you died at 7 the next day. Not sure why I am telling you how you died. You were there, after all.

Last month, I found the 30th, the day you died, much easier than the 29th. I guess that’s because all day long on the 29th, I remember what I was doing on the 29th of May. Crawling in to your bed, sitting there with the nurse, your mother visiting, K & R staying with me… I remember every second.

The first month without you was actually much easier than I anticipated. Yes, I cried but I did not feel completely useless. But now, it is harder. I cry less but it seems my life is covered with a grey veil. And this is much more painful than having sharp ups and downs. Because no matter what I do, I am constantly depressed, even when I am doing fun things.

I am really trying. I was never good at living on my own. I tend to get lonely and a bit depressed on my own. You rescued me from that. And now, I try to fill my days with going to the gym, running & cycling. It is not getting me thin any time soon but it keeps me busy.

Until I get home again. Alone. Nobody to talk to.

Hmmm…. This post is not going the way I want to.

So, on a positive note, let’s see what I have done since you died.
– Ran the Race for Life with Kate
– Passed my Level 2 Numeracy (Yes thanks, I am proud of me too)
– Passed my Level 2 Literacy
– Been out a few times with friends and managed to have a good time. Not had much fun going on my own though
– Booked myself to go to some University open days
– Made appointment for grief counseling
– Applied to college for Biology GCSE
– Visited my family in Holland
– Joined the gym and I go at least 4 times a week
– Bought a new bike and actually cycled on it
– Taken up running on days I don’t go to the gym
– Had my cholesterol tested (It’s fine, thanks for asking)
– Made appointment with Oncologist to learn exactly what happened in your brain
– Registered to go the Green Man Festival as a litter picker in exchange for a free ticket
– Thinking of taking surfing lessons before college starts
– Sent off for a job application pack for home care assistant

All in all, not bad I say. I am VERY apprehensive about the Green Man Festival and the surfing as I fear it will make me feel extremely lonely in a big crowd. I might still decide not to go.

Needless to say, I would give it all back if I could just have you back for just a minute.

Sleep tight my angel. I will think of you tomorrow. More than I already do every day. Look out for the Chinese lantern with your name on that will go up in to the sky tomorrow evening. And then, on Saturday morning, 7am, exactly 2 months after you were finally set free, I will sip my cup of tea and salute you.

I love you.


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