04th Aug2011

Back to the hospital

by Dutchcloggie

The hospital. You did not die there but it was the start of the very last stage of your journey. I had to go there today for a chest x-ray. It seems I have done too much exercise, trying to keep busy.

As I cycled up to the hospital, I braced myself, knowing it might be hard. But it was worse than I thought. I cried as soon as I walked through the doors. To get to the x-ray department, I had to go through A&E. The same A&E you waited 4 hours to be seen after your seizure in April. Past A&E, past emergency CT where you had your second fit of the night. Past the Emergency Assessment Unit where you spent 3 nights. I stood in front of the double doors of EAU for a few moments, remembering. From where I stood, I could see the bed you were in. Tears were running down my face.

I tried to compose myself as I walked up to x-ray reception. As soon as I opened my mouth, my tears started again.

“I…need…a..a…chest…hexrahaaayy” I wailed at the receptionist. She looked at me with an expressionless face. She did not speak. I tried to tell her that my GP had booked the appointment for me and she must have understood because she got my name from the screen. I was worried that she might think I was so upset over a ruddy x-ray so I mumbled that I had not been back to the hospital since the death of my wife. Her face remained expressionless. Had she not heard my sad story? Or had she heard it but not really cared? I did not want to repeat myself, in case she would say: I heard you the first time.

The couple in the queue behind me looked puzzled but did not speak. I was desperate for someone to talk to me. For someone who knew you. Someone who would walk up to me, say they remembered you from when you were there and would sit with me whilst I talked about you. Someone who understood. Failing that, I just wanted someone to ask what was wrong.

Instead, I took a number of deep breaths and managed to stop my tears after about 5 minutes.

X-ray done, I cycled home, away from the hospital. In tears.

I miss you.

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