07th Aug2011

A painful wedding decision

by Dutchcloggie

Jane’s best friend is getting married next week. It is a 3 hour drive from here so just dropping in for a quick congratulations is not an option. I would have to stay overnight. There would be no escape if things go wrong for me.

I have decided not to go. I don’t know anyone there, other than the happy couple and the bridesmaid. I don’t want to burden their day by making them feel they have to spend all their time with me. And I am not able to spend a whole weekend at a wedding, on my own, when I don’t know anyone.

I really did want to go for Jane though. I was worried that if I don’t go, and nobody else there who knew Jane, there will be nobody there to remember her. No mention in a speech because why would the bride or groom do that, talking about someone who is no longer there to people who have no idea who she was? So I said I would go, just so I could hear them mention Jane’s name because surely they would not ‘ignore’ Jane if I was there.

But then I realised it is not up to me to dictate how people remember Jane, especially what they do when I am not there. It is also pretty rude to assume people won’t remember Jane in their thoughts unless I remind them of her. It is judging the way they grieve. And quite frankly, I KNOW they miss Jane. I am not the only one grieving and not everybody grieves in the same way. I can not go on my own, and I don’t NEED to go for Jane. She’ll be there, wether her name is spoken out loud or not. So I am not going.

This has nothing to do with it being a wedding. It has nothing to do with being unable to see other people being happy. Had there been many people I knew, I would go. It is about being extremely alone, far from safety, in a crowd of happy people I don’t know.

I am sad about not going as bride & groom have been friends since Jane’s university days.

But I just can not do it. When I imagine myself at the wedding without Jane, I get filled with a feeling of fear and panic. My chest goes tight and I break out in a sweat. Just the idea of going makes me burst in to tears.

I don’t want to think of their wedding like that. I want to picture them having a happy day. I want to see the pictures and the video. I want to picture THEIR day. Not mine.

I will celebrate their wedding by doing something I enjoy on the day. The only gift I can give them is that I will try to be happy on their wedding day. I can’t be happy at their wedding. So in order for me to be happy for them, I will be happy for them somewhere else.

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