24th Sep2011

Facebook dilemma: To unfriend or not to unfriend

by Dutchcloggie

Yesterday, the first two lines of a comedy song came to me.

We’re married on Facebook, but not in real life
When is it time to unfriend my dead wife?

Unfortunately that’s all I have…In my head I was going to write this funny, bittersweet song about the problem with social networking and death. In reality, I am rubbish at writing songs and I’m not that funny.

So feel free to take the idea and run with it.

Seriously though…when DO I unfriend Jane on Facebook? There are a number of relationship status options and none of them are acceptable to me.

Married: This is the current situation. I never really was married according to the law and since her death, I most certainly am no more. Yet this one means her picture is listed on my profile as my wife and it connects her to me.

Single: Not an option. I am not single by choice.

Widow: Would be the best choice. However, if you select your status as Widow, Facebook automatically freezes the profile of the person you previously listed as your spouse. And that means nobody has access to it anymore. It goes in to some state of limbo. It is frozen in time and nobody can send messages, post to the wall or anything. And I don’t like that either. Because sometimes people still leave something on her wall. Or send her a message. I do.

Is in an open relationship with Jane Daniel Death does that to a relationship. But I don’t like open relationships. It relates to monogamy and Jane & I always were completely devoted to each other.

It’s complicated:This might be the best option. Because it IS complicated. Well, it is for me. The good thing about this one is that you can still link to someone to be complicated with.

The thing is that if I end my relationship with Jane on Facebook, she will no longer appear anywhere on my profile. And since she is not making any new posts on Facebook, nobody will be reminded of her on Facebook. It will look like we were never in a relationship.

Like the list of recently dialled numbers or most used email addresses, she will slip down the list and eventually disappear completely.

I guess this is the modern day equivalent of deciding when to take your wedding ring off. One day I will be ready for it. When I can replace the wedding ring with something else. With happy memories instead of crushing sadness. When removing the ring or Facebook link means I am ready for something new to take its place. Rather than removing something and see a large gaping hole.

Ps: I need to say that the two lines of my ‘song’ popped in my head when listening to this brilliant Janis Ian song.

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