04th Sep2013

Pastures new…

by Dutchcloggie

Dear Jane,

I can not remember the last time I addressed a blog post to you. I don’t know why I am addressing this one in particular to you either. Maybe this will become clear as my writing continues.

In the last few weeks/months, it seems things are really reaching a point of total closure. Is that bad? It is not about forgetting you. That would be silly. But it is about confirmation that the past is moving further and further away from me and less and less present in my day-to-day life. I think about you every day. You are woven in to the fabric of my personality. But I don’t miss you every day. I don’t even miss you every week, I think. I guess that means closure.

Adding to the feeling of time moving on, is the fact that Vicki has left the UK. She has gone to Abu Dhabi. Her school and apartment look fabulous. I am quite sure had you been alive still we would have visited her some day and crashing on her floor. Secondly, Munchkin has retired from MGC. As have a few other teachers who shared the classrooms with you. So it won’t be long until nobody at MGC/MSJ remembers you from when you were there. So returning there will different for me. Because no longer will it make me feel close to you. Because nobody from your past will be there. Another place where it is just memories. Another place where even the most fleeting of traces of you has gone. Actually, that thought DOES make me sad. Which is odd as I don’t really feel a need to be close to you anymore. To find a place where you are ‘still alive’. But I guess the idea that if I wanted, I couldn’t is enough to make me a bit sad.

Bear lives on the bookshelf

After scattering your ashes in May, I kept some behind and hid them in Bear’s belly. I don’t like having a little urn with ashes but I also worried that one day I might feel a sudden regret for not having kept any at all. I don’t know, not yet, but you know me, I need to plan for every eventuality.

To be perfectly honest, I put them in Bear and Girlfriend, who is a wizz with needle and thread, stitched him up again. Then I put Bear back on the shelf where he always is. So you are still here and yet nobody knows. And when I look at Bear, I don’t think: That’s Jane’s ashes there. I just think of Bear. Which is nice. A good compromise I feel.

As I expected, I don’t really have any contact with your mother anymore. I do however speak to your little sister on a regular basis. In fact, she is hopefully visiting Girlfriend and me soon for a night on the tiles. I love that girlfriend and R. get on so well. Somehow this makes me feel as if you approve of Girlfriend.

Speaking of Girlfriend, I should refer to her as Fiancee from now on. Yes, she asked me (in Paris) and I said yes.  There is a kind of touching/weird/serendipitous similarity to this. When you and I first decided to get married, we had to wait for the UK to finally introduce Civil Partnerships. This time, Girlfriend and I will have to wait until the UK finally opens marriage to same sex couples. So although we are engaged, we won’t get married until next year. There seems little point in getting a CP now when we could be Married next year.

Fig tree in Italy in 2007

Fiancee and I have just come back from holiday in Italy. We went to Harry’s house. They had unfortunately cut down the fig tree. So no more fig eating from the balcony. In another bit of proof of life moving on, I did not have a single moment of sadness being there. Usually when I return to a place we visited together, I feel sad and flooded with memories. But this time, I did not. In fact, it almost felt like I remembered nothing much from that holiday. Which is weird. I know we were there. I have the pictures. And yet, only things related to the pictures spring to my mind. You know what I mean? usually when you see pictures, you also remember other things that happened. But this time…nothing. I guess it is all part of moving on and giving the past a place? I did like it, that I could be somewhere we have been and not be upset. Given the fact that we went to so many places together, it made me feel bad for Fiancee that she had to be prepared for possible tears everywhere we went.

I bumped in to one of the nurses from the hospice in Sainsbury’s the other week. They had heard I am training to be a nurse and it had all touched them deeply. She said that they felt if anyone was suitable to be a nurse, it was me and that they were impressed and touched by the way you and I had interacted with each other and how I cared for you and for all the friends and family who visited you in your last days. She even had tears in her eyes. So of course so did I… I really hope I can work at that place at some point. But they are cutting funding…..

Which brings me to the awesome thing that my dad has asked the family not to give him money or presents for his upcoming 65th birthday. Instead he has asked for donations to the Cynthia Spencer Hospice. How awesome is that. I love my folks dearly.

That’s it, really. Next week I am starting my second year as a Student Nurse. One of the modules will focus on Palliative Care. I am expecting to find that very difficult. A bit close to the bone. But I’ll get through it. I hope.

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