14th Aug2011

Helping the Hospice

by Dutchcloggie

Text BEAN83 £5 to 70070 Grieving is tedious. It has been a little more than 2 months since Jane died and it is getting harder every day. The first few weeks I was numb. Now I am beginning to feel again and what I am feeling is not fun.

It is extremely cruel that someone as smart as Jane found her ability to think and study affected by a brain tumour. Because of its location in the brain, it mainly affected her memory, personality, ability to process information and give feedback on things she was asked. Still, between her diagnosis in 2005 and her death, aged 27, in 2011, Jane got herself a BSc, an MSc and nearly a PhD from Warwick University.

I get huge comfort from doing things that are related to Jane. Be it writing a blog about her or looking through pictures. I want to use this in a positive way. So I am raising money for the Cynthia Spencer Hospice.

The Cynthia Spencer Hospice cared for Jane twice. In October 2010, whilst I moved us into a new flat that enabled Jane to stay at home until the end, the Hospice looked after Jane and sorted out symptom control. After she came home, we had 7 wonderful months together in which we made a few final trips. 
 
Then, when the end was close, Jane returned to Cynthia Spencer Hospice for her final 10 days. The staff are fantastic and made me feel so much better in the circumstances.

I have decided to back to university next year so that I can become a palliative care nurse and make sure others get the same fantastic care when they need it most.

You don’t have to do something so drastic. You can just give money!
 
The Cynthia Spencer Hospice is NHS-funded but they need additional money from charity to pay for extra nurses and other things the NHS does not pay for.
 
I am hoping to do a number of things to raise money for the hospice. Every penny helps so even if you just donate your small change to this, it would be brilliant.

Please visit my fundraising page at http://justgiving.com/Bouncybean.

Alternatively, get your mobile phone and text BEAN83 £5 to 70070 to donate £5. You can obviously change the amount to anything up to £10. To donate more than £10, or if you are donating from abroad, go to the JustGiving page.

17th Jun2011

Ashes to ashes

by Dutchcloggie

At Warwick University today, a little bit of Jane was left behind

SJ scatters Jane's ashes at Warwick University

SJ scatters the first bit of Jane. Notice the M&S tea flask being used for this purpose.Unfortunately the ashes sank straight to the bottom of the lake so we decided on trying it again a little bit further out.

 

I transferred some of Jane’s ashes into a flask last night, ready to for today’s scattering. I created a rather large ash cloud of very fine bone ash. I think I may well have inhaled a substantial part of Jane in the process!

I scatter some of Jane's ashes

Graceful scattering of about half of Jane's ashes. We were interrupted by a guy who, even after we told him what we were doing, wanted to tell us about an orphaned goose that lives in the lake.

Walking across campus, I was suddenly struck by an immense sadness. This whole part of my life, Warwick University, is a part that only matters to me because of Jane. We had no shared ‘business’ there, although of course we have plenty of shared memories. I found it really difficult to explain to SJ that I really felt Warwick University would never again be part of making new memories with Jane. She said that I could talk about those memories with Jane’s friends so they would remain part of my life. But that is not what I meant.

I can not really explain it well but maybe it is something like this: In Leamington and Northampton, I was my own person, with my own things to do. And on top of that, we did things together. At Warwick University, I was always and ONLY Jane’s partner. I would only be there when Jane had some business at uni. When I picked her up. When I dropped her off. When I was meeting her for lunch. When I first met her there in 2003. When I came to see her friends.

So without Jane, there I felt completely lost. I felt rudderless. There was no reason for me to be there. And there will never again be a Jane-reason to be there, other than a reason related to her death (e.g. seeing her old friends, her old tutor, scattering her ashes etc). There will be no more new memories to make with Jane.

Even writing this now, I am crying. I don’t quite know why but it really upsets me that the thing that was such a massive part of Jane’s life, is somehow empty and meaningless to me without her there. It feels like another loss. Maybe because if I ever meet someone else, I might go camping with her. I might live together with her. I might do some of the things I used to do with Jane.
But I will never again walk along Warwick University campus with someone and feel that feeling of pride and belonging to someone who spent her entire academic life at a place she loved so deeply.

I guess it makes me feel incredibly sad that when I think about it, the thing that meant most to Jane in her life is something that now means precious little to me, since I have nothing to do with it anymore.

Jane Daniel's ashes in the lake at Warwick University

Jane's remains consist of very fine, dusty bone ash that floats on the water, and course, dense bone grit that sinks straight to the bottom. If you can find it, you'll find a little pile of Jane at the bottom of The Lake at Warwick University.

16th Jun2011

What is left

by Dutchcloggie

Jane's ashesWhat’s left in the end is a big green plastic jar with a lot of light grey ash in it. The ash is surprisingly heavy & dense. JD did always like her food but I doubt that is what makes her remains so heavy.

I picked them up yesterday afternoon from Leamington Spa. Ironically, the funeral director is only a few doors down from where we used to live. We used to walk past their shop when we walked in to town. I found that the hardest part. That we walked there every day but I never thought I would have to go inside to pick up her remains.

Don’t really know what to do with them. Her mother wants some. I want some in a lovely chain around my neck. I want to scatter some in various places that mattered to JD and me. Actually, that sounds like I know exactly what I want to do with them…

We lived in Leamington Spa for nearly 3 years. They were the happiest times. JD had surgery when we had lived together for only a few months but after the surgery, the tumour remained stable for a long time. So our time there was mainly a happy time, mostly free of worry.

Walking around town today, I felt really close to JD. Like it was her “spiritual  home”. Or better said, OUR spiritual home. We only left because I got a job elsewhere but I realised today I don’t like Northampton nearly as much as I like Leamington Spa. Maybe because I like walking around a place that has so many memories. 

So I am considering moving back. Nothing wrong with admitting I like to be close to whatever I have left of JD. The question is of course: where to apply to uni. If I live in Leam, it makes sense to go to Coventry University instead of Northampton. And what about the fact that I now have close friends in both places? The friends in Northampton are mainly my friends who also knew JD. The friends in Leam are Mostly Jane’s friends whom I got to know as well (apart from the rugby girls) So although I love them all, I do feel differently about both sets of friends.

Maybe my friends want to come and live in Leam too?

05th Jun2011

I found a note

by Dutchcloggie

A note Jane scribbled

Jane's scribble

I know I said this blog would be dormant but so many people have said they think my current emotions should be part of this blog. I shall copy a few posts from my personal blog here as well as they deal with the aftermath of Jane’s death.

Going through Jane’s things, I found the little notebook we kept with her treatment diary. In this notebook, we wrote all her appointments, what the doctors said etc. That way, when the doctor would ask how long ago her last scan was for example, or what her last known symptom was, we just looked in the diary.

And in the middle of the notebook, I found this note that Jane scribbled in December 2010.
I can only guess what was happening in her head.

“Piri Piri sauce – mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm no – totally randommm. Totally random sauce thoughts. It was v. stupid to put your toenail and………….”

She wrote this, I assume, after we ate some fish from Sainsbury’s that was marinated in PiriPiri sauce. Not sure what the toenail refers to though. Perhaps I did something stupid? Or perhaps she did? Basically, is shows that Jane was really living in the present. She responded to things that were happening right there and then. If you asked her to write down what she did during the day, she would write something about what was going on around her at the moment she was writing.

It is both sweet and devastating to read it. To realise that for a long time, I had no idea what was really going on in her head. Or what made her tick. I just hope I did the right things most of the time.